Chapter 135

There are so many maladies and so many circumstances presented to him, that before he can attain the certainty of the point to which the perfection of his experience should arrive, human sense will be at the end of its lesson: and before he can, amongst this infinity of things, find out what this horn is; amongst so many diseases, what is epilepsy; the many complexions in a melancholy person; the many seasons in winter; the many nations in the French; the many ages in age; the many celestial mutations in the conjunction of Venus and Saturn; the many parts in man’s body, nay, in a finger; and being, in all this, directed neither by argument, conjecture, example, nor divine inspirations, but merely by the sole motion of fortune, it must be by a perfectly artificial, regular and methodical fortune. And after the cure is performed, how can he assure himself that it was not because the disease had arrived at its period or an effect of chance? or the operation of something else that he had eaten, drunk, or touched that day? or by virtue of his grandmother’s prayers? And, moreover, had this experiment been perfect, how many times was it repeated, and this long bead-roll of haps, and concurrences strung anew by chance to conclude a certain rule? And when the rule is concluded, by whom, I pray you? Of so many millions, there are but three men who take upon them to record their experiments: must fortune needs just hit one of these? What if another, and a hundred others, have made contrary experiments? We might, peradventure, have some light in this, were all the judgments and arguments of men known to us; but that three witnesses, three doctors, should lord it over all mankind, is against reason: it were necessary that human nature should have deputed and chosen them out, and that they were declared our comptrollers by express procuration: “TO MADAME DE DURAS. --[Marguerite de Grammont, widow of Jean de Durfort, Seigneur de Duras, who was killed near Leghorn, leaving no posterity. Montaigne seems to have been on terms of considerable intimacy with her, and to have tendered her some very wholesome and frank advice in regard to her relations with Henry IV.]-- “MADAME,--The last time you honoured me with a visit, you found me at work upon this chapter, and as these trifles may one day fall into your hands, I would also that they testify in how great honour the author will take any favour you shall please to show them. You will there find the same air and mien you have observed in his conversation; and though I could have borrowed some better or more favourable garb than my own, I would not have done it: for I require nothing more of these writings, but to present me to your memory such as I naturally am. The same conditions and faculties you have been pleased to frequent and receive with much more honour and courtesy than they deserve, I would put together (but without alteration or change) in one solid body, that may peradventure continue some years, or some days, after I am gone; where you may find them again when you shall please to refresh your memory, without putting you to any greater trouble; neither are they worth it. I desire you should continue the favour of your friendship to me, by the same qualities by which it was acquired. “I am not at all ambitious that any one should love and esteem me more dead than living. The humour of Tiberius is ridiculous, but yet common, who was more solicitous to extend his renown to posterity than to render himself acceptable to men of his own time. If I were one of those to whom the world could owe commendation, I would give out of it one-half to have the other in hand; let their praises come quick and crowding about me, more thick than long, more full than durable; and let them cease, in God’s name, with my own knowledge of them, and when the sweet sound can no longer pierce my ears. It were an idle humour to essay, now that I am about to forsake the commerce of men, to offer myself to them by a new recommendation. I make no account of the goods I could not employ in the service of my life. Such as I am, I will be elsewhere than in paper: my art and industry have been ever directed to render myself good for something; my studies, to teach me to do, and not to write. I have made it my whole business to frame my life: this has been my trade and my work; I am less a writer of books than anything else. I have coveted understanding for the service of my present and real conveniences, and not to lay up a stock for my posterity. He who has anything of value in him, let him make it appear in his conduct, in his ordinary discourses, in his courtships, and his quarrels: in play, in bed, at table, in the management of his affairs, in his economics. Those whom I see make good books in ill breeches, should first have mended their breeches, if they would have been ruled by me. Ask a Spartan whether he had rather be a good orator or a good soldier: and if I was asked the same question, I would rather choose to be a good cook, had I not one already to serve me. My God! Madame, how should I hate such a recommendation of being a clever fellow at writing, and an ass and an inanity in everything else! Yet I had rather be a fool both here and there than to have made so ill a choice wherein to employ my talent. And I am so far from expecting to gain any new reputation by these follies, that I shall think I come off pretty well if I lose nothing by them of that little I had before. For besides that this dead and mute painting will take from my natural being, it has no resemblance to my better condition, but is much lapsed from my former vigour and cheerfulness, growing faded and withered: I am towards the bottom of the barrel, which begins to taste of the lees. “As to the rest, Madame, I should not have dared to make so bold with the mysteries of physic, considering the esteem that you and so many others have of it, had I not had encouragement from their own authors. I think there are of these among the old Latin writers but two, Pliny and Celsus if these ever fall into your hands, you will find that they speak much more rudely of their art than I do; I but pinch it, they cut its throat. Pliny, amongst other things, twits them with this, that when they are at the end of their rope, they have a pretty device to save themselves, by recommending their patients, whom they have teased and tormented with their drugs and diets to no purpose, some to vows and miracles, others to the hot baths. (Be not angry, Madame; he speaks not of those in our parts, which are under the protection of your house, and all Gramontins.) They have a third way of saving their own credit, of ridding their hands of us and securing themselves from the reproaches we might cast in their teeth of our little amendment, when they have had us so long in their hands that they have not one more invention left wherewith to amuse us, which is to send us to the better air of some other country. This, Madame, is enough; I hope you will give me leave to return to my discourse, from which I have so far digressed, the better to divert you.” It was, I think, Pericles, who being asked how he did: “You may judge,” says he, “by these,” showing some little scrolls of parchment he had tied about his neck and arms. By which he would infer that he must needs be very sick when he was reduced to a necessity of having recourse to such idle and vain fopperies, and of suffering himself to be so equipped. I dare not promise but that I may one day be so much a fool as to commit my life and death to the mercy and government of physicians; I may fall into such a frenzy; I dare not be responsible for my future constancy: but then, if any one ask me how I do, I may also answer, as Pericles did, “You may judge by this,” shewing my hand clutching six drachms of opium. It will be a very evident sign of a violent sickness: my judgment will be very much out of order; if once fear and impatience get such an advantage over me, it may very well be concluded that there is a dreadful fever in my mind. I have taken the pains to plead this cause, which I understand indifferently, a little to back and support the natural aversion to drugs and the practice of physic I have derived from my ancestors, to the end it may not be a mere stupid and inconsiderate aversion, but have a little more form; and also, that they who shall see me so obstinate in my resolution against all exhortations and menaces that shall be given me, when my infirmity shall press hardest upon me, may not think ‘tis mere obstinacy in me; or any one so ill-natured as to judge it to be any motive of glory: for it would be a strange ambition to seek to gain honour by an action my gardener or my groom can perform as well as I. Certainly, I have not a heart so tumorous and windy, that I should exchange so solid a pleasure as health for an airy and imaginary pleasure: glory, even that of the Four Sons of Aymon, is too dear bought by a man of my humour, if it cost him three swinging fits of the stone. Give me health, in God’s name! Such as love physic, may also have good, great, and convincing considerations; I do not hate opinions contrary to my own: I am so, far from being angry to see a discrepancy betwixt mine and other men’s judgments, and from rendering myself unfit for the society of men, from being of another sense and party than mine, that on the contrary (the most general way that nature has followed being variety, and more in souls than bodies, forasmuch as they are of a more supple substance, and more susceptible of forms) I find it much more rare to see our humours and designs jump and agree. And there never were, in the world, two opinions alike, no more than two hairs, or two grains: their most universal quality is diversity. ETEXT EDITOR’S BOOKMARKS: I am towards the bottom of the barrel Accusing all others of ignorance and imposition Affection towards their husbands, (not) until they have lost them Anything of value in him, let him make it appear in his conduct As if impatience were of itself a better remedy than patience Assurance they give us of the certainty of their drugs At least, if they do no good, they will do no harm Attribute to itself; all the happy successes that happen Best part of a captain to know how to make use of occasions Burnt and roasted for opinions taken upon trust from others Commit themselves to the common fortune Crafty humility that springs from presumption Did not approve all sorts of means to obtain a victory Disease had arrived at its period or an effect of chance? Dissentient and tumultuary drugs Do not much blame them for making their advantage of our folly Doctors: more felicity and duration in their own lives? Doctrine much more intricate and fantastic than the thing itself Drugs being in its own nature an enemy to our health Even the very promises of physic are incredible in themselves Fathers conceal their affection from their children He who provides for all, provides for nothing Health depends upon the vanity and falsity of their promises Health is altered and corrupted by their frequent prescriptions Health to be worth purchasing by all the most painful cauteries Homer: The only words that have motion and action I dare not promise but that I may one day be so much a fool I see no people so soon sick as those who take physic Indiscreet desire of a present cure, that so blind us Intended to get a new husband than to lament the old Let it alone a little Life should be cut off in the sound and living part Live a quite contrary sort of life to what they prescribe others Live, not so long as they please, but as long as they ought Llaying the fault upon the patient, by such frivolous reasons Long a voyage I should at last run myself into some disadvantage Making their advantage of our folly, for most men do the same Man may with less trouble adapt himself to entire abstinence Man runs a very great hazard in their hands (of physicians) Mark of singular good nature to preserve old age Men must embark, and not deliberate, upon high enterprises Mercenaries who would receive any (pay) Moderation is a virtue that gives more work than suffering More valued a victory obtained by counsel than by force Most men do not so much believe as they acquiesce and permit Never any man knew so much, and spake so little No danger with them, though they may do us no good No other foundation or support than public abuse No physic that has not something hurtful in it Noble and rich, where examples of virtue are rarely lodged Obstinacy is the sister of constancy Order a purge for your brain, it will there be much better Ordinances it (Medicine) foists upon us Passion has a more absolute command over us than reason Pay very strict usury who did not in due time pay the principal People are willing to be gulled in what they desire Physician’s “help”, which is very often an obstacle Physicians are not content to deal only with the sick Physicians fear men should at any time escape their authority Physicians were the only men who might lie at pleasure Physicians: earth covers their failures Plato said of the Egyptians, that they were all physicians Pure cowardice that makes our belief so pliable Recommendation of strangeness, rarity, and dear purchase Send us to the better air of some other country Should first have mended their breeches Smile upon us whilst we are alive So austere and very wise countenance and carriage (of physicians) So much are men enslaved to their miserable being Solon said that eating was physic against the malady hunger Strangely suspect all this merchandise: medical care Studies, to teach me to do, and not to write Such a recipe as they will not take themselves That he could neither read nor swim The Babylonians carried their sick into the public square They (good women) are not by the dozen, as every one knows They have not one more invention left wherewith to amuse us They juggle and trifle in all their discourses at our expense They never loved them till dead Tis in some sort a kind of dying to avoid the pain of living wel Tis not the number of men, but the number of good men Tis there she talks plain French To be, not to seem To keep me from dying is not in your power Two opinions alike, no more than two hairs Tyrannical authority physicians usurp over poor creatures Venture it upon his neighbour, if he will let him Venture the making ourselves better without any danger We confess our ignorance in many things We do not easily accept the medicine we understand What are become of all our brave philosophical precepts?